You’re at home having dinner with your husband or wife. It’s been a long and tiring day. And in the middle of what is casual conversation they say something that irritates or upsets you. Nothing major, but enough to change the atmosphere. You feel a twinge of resentment and it stays with you for the rest of the evening. The night ends as it often does, with the two of you looking at your phones in bed before a perfunctory good night kiss. And another day has gone by where your relationship has not been what you signed up for.
Being a marriage and relationships coach for many years has given me the opportunity to really observe what makes for a successful marriage or relationship. I’ve been able to see first hand the difference between those that succeed and those that fail, between those that are truly happy and those that are troublesome or end entirely. And while most people would probably say that marriages and relationships are difficult and complex, I think the difference between the ones that work and the ones that don’t comes down to one simple rule. It is usually somewhat subconscious. The couple is probably not aware that it is a rule, or that it’s operating in their relationship, but nevertheless it’s what their behaviour shows. And it is, I believe, the key to their success.
To recognise what this rule is, the first thing to do is ask yourself the question: What does a truly happy relationship actually look like?
The dynamics of every relationship are different, but the successful ones share this as a common factor: A lack of drama.
This doesn’t mean passivity. It doesn’t mean that at times there isn’t conflict or disagreement between the partners. And it certainly doesn’t mean silent acceptance of what you’re not happy about, which simply builds resentment and is drama in a different form, more subtle but equally powerful.
It means a true lack of drama. It means having the attitude, “no big deal.” It means that instead of asking what’s wrong with our relationship that we need to fix, we ask: “what’s great about our relationship that we can focus on and get more of?”
So what is the rule behind this attitude and behaviour?
It’s simply this:
“I am responsible for how I feel.”
“It is not your responsibility. You do not make me feel bad. I do it to myself.”
Now your reaction to this might be that it’s ridiculous. “Of course my partner makes me feel a certain way. They do things that upset me. They do things I don’t agree with. They say things that are hurtful to me.”
But look closely at what is actually happening, because it happens fast and it happens in a particular order. Your spouse says or does something. And then, before you’ve had any say in it, something else appears:
A sentence in your own head about what it means. That sentence is where your upset is actually coming from, and it comes so quickly it feels like part of what they said.
Here’s what I mean.
Say they criticise you for something you’ve done and tell you you should have done it differently, or could have done it better. You get upset. But notice what you’re getting upset by. It’s your thoughts: “They think I’m incompetent. They don’t respect me and they should. Nothing I do is ever good enough. They always have to find fault with me.” So you get angry and lash out, and the next thing you know there’s an argument, or at the very least resentment.
None of that was in what they said. They said one sentence about something. Everything else was added afterwards, by you, in words.
Now what if that second layer simply wasn’t there? What if no thoughts arrive in your head at all, or if something does, it’s only this: “If that’s the way they think, that’s the way they think.” Maybe you could have done it better. Their input might even be quite valuable. Whatever it is, why should it make you feel upset? And in that situation you might simply smile and say, “Oh well, I did my best.” Or, “No big deal.” Or you might just walk away. You didn’t suppress anything, because there was nothing there to suppress.
Take a much harder example: Discovering that your husband or wife has had, or is having, an affair.
I’m not going to pretend this isn’t devastating news, and I’m not suggesting the pain isn’t real. But look at what’s actually in front of you, because two very different things are happening there together. There is what actually happened, which is a sign that there are real issues in this marriage that need to be addressed. And then there’s everything stacked on top of it: “They shouldn’t have done that. They’re betraying me. They should have been honest with me. They should not have gone behind my back.”
People rarely ask the first question, which is: “What is it about our marriage that has caused my husband or wife to want to seek the company of someone else?” Instead the whole response becomes about the shoulds. What your spouse should have done, rather than what they actually did.
If you can separate the should-haves from what actually happened, you see the situation quite differently, and probably far more clearly for what it really is. The pain doesn’t disappear. But the enormous weight of everything you imagined on top of it does. What’s left is a situation you can actually respond to. This is why a crisis moment in a marriage often serves as a turning point.
Taking full responsibility for how you feel sounds like a huge burden. It isn’t. It’s the opposite. Because the moment you see where the upset is actually being created, you’re no longer in the business of managing another person’s behaviour, monitoring their tone, or waiting for them to change so that you can finally feel all right.
What’s left is just what’s actually happening in front of you. And that turns out to be much easier to deal with than the version of it you were carrying around in your head.
Separating what is actually happening from the voice in your head isn’t just a relationship skill. It’s the same move everywhere - work, money, health, and even the way you talk to yourself when nobody’s listening.
I write about this most weeks. Subscribe and I’ll send it to you.
And if you’d like to see it working for yourself, I’ve built a free tool called Nextla.